Happy Crazy American Holiday Weekend!

Since I know there are several of you Canadians, Australians, Brits and others out there who will not be celebrating the 4th of July, I just decided to call this whole weekend, "Crazy American Holiday" weekend. 

And you Americans can't deny the crazy!!  How many stories do you think we'll hear this weekend of people blowing their fingers off with fireworks, of drunken fights at celebrations, or grilling accidents?  I actually completely avoid Columbus' downtown area for three whole days because of what I call the "mountain people".  Now, we don't have mountains in Columbus, but I have lived in places that have had mountains, and every place has the type of people that you can only call "mountain people".  You know, those poor souls who decide to come out of hiding down to the "big city" in celebration, and really, all they do is sport mullets, look lost and mess up traffic?  Yeah, I can't do it...it's not worth my sanity.

But I digress...

What are you doing this weekend?

Jon and Kate, Divided by Two, Plus Eight? (A Rant)

I really do try very hard not to be a horrid, judgmental bitch.  On the other hand, I think I've held out on this one long enough.  Regardless of the tabloids, and what's true and what's probably not true, one fact remains very, very clear:  two adults are getting a divorce and they are choosing to air it on TV.

So Jon and Kate are getting a divorce...surprise, surprise.  I think I'd feel more sorry for them had they not a) willingly decided to have a litter of human beings (seriously, when the uteral count reaches over three, it's a LITTER.  And yes, I made up the word, "uteral") b) willingly decided to document their entire lives on TV for money and c) willingly decided to go on record on TV about their divorce...again, for MONEY.

Look, divorce is an incredibly painful thing.  There's a whole rift of hurt, bitterness, sadness and loss that goes into the ripping apart of a marital union.  However, you lose your right to complain of exposure when you sign up for said exposure...when you accept free gifts and publicity at the expense of your brood...when you write a book and air your entire life on television without your children's consent, all because you crave the fame, that AS AN ADULT, you could very easily shun.

The problem is that eight--count 'em, eight--children are getting the old iron shaft in the ass from two incredibly selfish, bitter adults that should have checked in with their marriage LONG before popping out the Brady Bunch.  BUT, there is still time...there is time for a mother and father to say "enough", to use their resources to move someplace boring, to hunker down in a hotel and ride out this storm for the safety of eight little chicklets that never asked to be on camera, who don't give a shit how much mom is bringing in with her book deal, who really, really don't care that daddy has a new girlfriend, and who honestly could do with what little normalcy is left to be had for a set of twins and a few tiny people who shared a space the size of a grapefruit with five other fetuses. 

Grow up, Jon and Kate, please, before your kids do.

Aaaand, scene.

30 before 30: #7-Get My No-No Waxed

Oh lord, here it is.  Finally, after weeks of effing around with effing Windows Vista and sundry programs, the video is here.  I do apologize in advance for not allowing you to actually see my naughty bits, but I thought that might be overkill.

Lisa and I headed to Tranquility Spa here in Columbus, and they were lovely, lovely people...who forcibly ripped the hair from my body, and took me from a grizzled twenty-nine-year-old woman to a twelve-year-old girl in a matter of minutes.  Tranquility was very clean and classy, my aesthetician, Erica, was a total professional, and my dear friend Lisa was brave enough to work the camera (she claims to "not have looked at"...things).  And yet, I can't help but feel as though I have lost a part of my innocence forever. 

Namely, my Down Under innocence. 

Some lady who I don't even know moved my girly bits around in an overly casual manner, just so I could look like a Barbie doll.  She was very gentle, but I do feel as though we should have gotten to know one another better beforehand.  I must say, however, the "after" is actually pretty nice for the summer time, though I am HIGHLY debating whether I should go back for a, er, touch up. 

Anyway, without further ado, here's my first wax. If you listen very closely, you can hear the canned background music AND the ripping...hooray!

And yes, I did say at the beginning, "Oh, my lady balls."

Read more about my "30 before 30" adventures here!

The Last Nice Thing

Every once in awhile, relationships hit a rut...you get in a routine, you go about your day and sometimes "sparks" are traded for the day-in and day-out monotony of living.  So, let's think about the last nice thing that was done for you!  No fair listing what you've done for others--I get it, you all are saints, just like me--I want to know the last time you got the warm-fuzzies because of what someone has done for YOU.

What is the last nice thing your partner/crush/significant other/buddy/Real Doll did for you?

Bachelorette: Week "Seriously, Jillian?" Update

Just when I thought that Jillian might be the first Bachelorette to have her head on straight...

...seriously, Jillian?

The most straight-laced guy ever comes to you and TELLS you some other dude has a girlfriend, and "her name is Laurel" and you're like, "Oh, I have to follow my gut"?  This is not a hard decision...seriously.  Actually, let me help you.  Here are the signs of a liar:

1.  He insists many times that he's a "bad liar"

2.  He tells you that he "doesn't want you to bring it up again."

3.  He looks like he might back-hand you in the mouth at any second.

4.  He says things like, "Jillian really likes me, and that's all that matters."  (Uh, what about the part where YOU really like HER, you Douchebag?)

HOLY CRAP, WHY DO I GET UPSET ABOUT THESE THINGS???

AND, MICHAEL!!  Oh, I loved Michael, and he was so sweet and I want to put him in my pocket.  Also, Jake needs to be an underwear model, or run for some sort of office.  I don't care what party he runs for, I will vote for him.  He should do nude campaign ads. I think I'd lick like them a lot.

I also love how Ed's job situation just magically disappeared!  "Oh my lord!  I'm back!  I have my priorities straight!  Sweet!  Where's my check from the producers?"

Whatever, I'll keep watching, only because I HAVE to see whose penis gets scared.  I think that might be entirely worth all my anxiety.

Sigh: 

Read more Bachelorette updates in the WHO HAS THE REMOTE?!? archives!