How to Rock a Long-Distance Relationship
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 11:00AM Today's guest post is from the lovely Glamourous Grad Student. The Glamourous Grad Student is a PhD candidate by day and a blogger by night. She writes about style, school and combinations thereof at her blog, aptly named The Glamourous Grad Student. A fellow redhead, she lives with her boyfriend in Ireland.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It can also make the blood pressure rise, the stress-levels skyrocket and the head generally hurt. For sure, a long distance relationship (LDR) can be a challenge, but what's life without a little of that? There are no magic wand waves to effortlessly get your relationship from departures lounge to arrival hall again... But there are lots of little things you can do to adapt to your new situation and even <gasp> make it fun and romantic!
Know where you're starting from
Before you start booking cheap and nasty flights on airlines with a full 4 inches of legroom, make sure that you and your other half are playing by the same relationship rules. No judgement or anything, but while some people are all about the one true love, others don't consider it cheating if there's sea between you at the time. People can have dramatically different interpretations of what's acceptable in any relationship, but it's an especially big kick in the teeth if you find out about those differences after spending 5 hours on a plane next to a screaming child.
Be in it together
Now, I know that things don't always work like this, but if you do have a bit of control over the circumstances of your move, take your partner's needs into account. For example, how easy will it be for them to come visit you? Is there an airport nearby? A train station? A bus station? A donkey depot? Also, always know when the next visit will be. Frequency obviously depends on how healthy your finances are and where the absent lover has headed off to, but frequency is actually not the important thing here. What's important is making the plans. Give your other half clear signals that you want them in your life and are prepared to do a little work to achieve that.
Communicate properly and often
To really rock a LDR you've got to communicate every day. Text messaging is not a proper form of communication. It is for brief bits of info, like what time your train arrives. Matters of the heart cannot be discussed in a format so restricting that you end up leaving out all your vowels. It is also the most fight-inducing form of communication as those scant words, such that they are, lose most of their meaning when they are accompanied by neither voice nor facial expressions. Instead, use Skype or Gmail Chat and a webcam. Try to do things together despite the distance also, like playing chess or watching a TV show or reading the same book.
Remember to be spontaneous
If your relationship consists of a single conversation every night at the exact same time... Well, that can get boring pretty fast! Keep things fresh with random acts of relationshippiness. Compose them some ridiculous haikus to send them on a postcard. Mail them stuff they like from home if you're the one at home or kooky mementos of your new city that will forever be an in-joke nobody else understands. The ultimate spontaneous gesture is the unexpected visit. My boyfriend just showed up one day at my college when he was supposed to be studying abroad, and he won brownie points not just with me but with every girl in my class. And boys? Flowers never need a reason.
Choose to see the good
You know, when all is said and done, being happy is about choices. Whether you're single or in a relationship or in a long distance relationship, there will always be things you wish were different about your situation. Being happy is about looking past all that and focusing on the good stuff. Showing your other half around a new city, or being guided by someone who knows where everything is, can be a super travel experience. It's so much less stressful than being somewhere where you're both strangers! You can look at the distance as a sign things are not meant to be, or as an obstacle to be overcome together that might even make your relationship stronger.
Have you ever had a long-distance relationship? How did it work out?
(Don't forget to check out The Glamourous Grad Student's blog!)
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Reader Comments (6)
Really good post A :)
I did once but the distance was only 100 miles and we still found it hard. She was very busy with school and work and I had work and theater. She would come see my shows and I would visit her on weekends when she wasn't working. I surprised her on her birthday with flowers and it went over well. But then one day she stopped taking my calls. I didn't hear from her for a long time after that. The problem was I am not good at subtle hints. I missed a lot of hints she was throwing out there she got tired of trying so that was it. We became friends again and we still talk to this day. There is more to this story but I'll stop here for now. :)
That's such a lovely post!
My new husband (I just wanted to say that) and I did the long distance thing. He was in Montreal and I was in Lyon. Then I went to the UK and he was still in Montreal.
It was tough. But we spoke every day. He told me everything he was doing, and so did I. Communication is key.
Plus we knew we'd finally be together in Montreal, we knew the long distance was just temporary.
I guess it's easier if you know that than if you don't know for how long there will be an ocean between you.
Awesome points and kudos to the author for writing this.
Did the long distance thing for almost two years, four hours apart. We started dating in high school and college and different environments changed us both. Our relationship was never horrible, but it became a chore towards the end and I was just going through the motions.
Long distance relationships are not for me.
However, I've known some people who have totally rocked it and are now happily married and in crazy love.
Been doing long-distance for five years, still going. Still going strong! It has been HARD and horrible at times, for sure, but, you know: what doesn't kill it makes it stronger! And I am sure that normal, same-town relationships have had their shitty times as well. We're right for each other, and EVENTUALLY the universe will give in and let us live together. :]
All your advice is pretty great. Especially happiness being about choices.
I have to disagree about texts, though. My beloved and I text each other basically all day every day, except for when I don't have credit or when we need to work. It's rare that we misinterpret what one of us means. Then again, neither of us do the disemvoweling thing and.. I dono, we tend to just *get* each other anyway. That's no judgement on couples who work differently, we just have similar brains I guess. Just - don't rule out texting! It's a way to keep present in each other's lives in a small but immediate way.
I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and it was definitely not easy but we're happily together in the same city now! I think the tip about scheduling the next visit is a really good one. That way you can always look forward to it. We'd have crazy long countdowns when finances and schedules would get in the way. "See you in three months and two days, sweetie!" But we talked every night and would send each other little things. One suggestion I'll add to the list is meeting in the middle. I'm in NY and he was in Maryland so every once in a while we'd spend the weekend in a little town in PA or south NJ. Fun, romantic, and more convenient for both of us!