Dear Red: Big Gay Unicorn

Dear Red,

Being a gay guy, I have a hell of a time finding a decent, upstanding, sane guy with traditional values. What I mean by "traditional values" is someone who it looking to settle down, eventually buy a house and entertain the idea of kids. Most that I have encountered are either immature, suffering from some mental issue as a result of being stifled as a teenager, thinks that it's appropriate at 40 to be bleaching their hair and dancing shirtless on a box at the local gay bar or have some sort addiction issue. Is it unrealistic to think that there is a guy with a grip on reality and who was raised right out there? If not, where can I find this unicorn?

Thanks,
The Unicorn Hunter

Dear Unicorn Hunter,

Being a single female in her thirties, I think I can somewhat identify with your pain. Here's my issue...I'm at a time where all the guys my age are divorcing their current wives, have the option of dating much younger (and not skeeve out the recent college grad), or are still married to their careers.

(I'm making a generalization, of course, but I think you get my drift.)

I guess I just have to give you the advice my Baptist minister father gave me. Of course, he may not be too happy I'm passing this advice onto a gay man (sorry, Dad!) but it's some good shit. Here goes:

"Be the right kind of person to get the right kind of person."

Now, clearly, I'm not saying you're a bad person at all. In fact, I'd probably guess that you're a pretty upstanding guy if you're valuing things like family and commitment and non-drug use (hey, it's a serious bonus) as a measurement standard for a relationship. What I am saying, however, is that at the end of the day, you gotta worry much less about how shitty everyone else is, and be content with how awesome you are. And really, truly believe it.

Cliche', I know. But it works. And here's why...

The majority of people will always be shitty. I think in the gay community, because it tends to be a smaller, more concentrated group of "like" people, the shitty people probably seem to be everywhere.

You know what? Forget the shitty people. 

I'd love to write a whole paragraph that reeks of "Be true to yourself, friend, and everything will work itself out in the end!" but I won't do that. I have a feeling that you have a pretty good idea of who you are and who you are not, and I also have a feeling you get that life is not a Disney movie. But I do think that if it's realistic for you to be as well-adjusted as you are, it's realistic that there's someone else out there like you. There's not a national uproar over gay marriage rights because so few gay men (with traditional values) want to get married and share a life together.

On the flip side, I also have a hard time saying, "Don't worry! There's someone out there just for youuuuuuu!" I think that's feeding into the Disney lie. The better, more realistic option, is to prepare for the chance that there is NOT someone out there just for you.

Wow, that's even scary to write.

But really, what does preparing for the chance that there's not "the one" mean? How does that change how you live your every day life? Would you take more risks? Try something new?

I know for me it means that I've definitely expanded my social circle. If I'm not constantly on the prowl for the next Mr. Ex-Naked-Redhead, then it doesn't matter too much that I hang out with the forty year old married couple on a Friday night instead of going out. It also means that I've tried a lot of new things on my own...because hell, why not? I have time, and I know I'm fine.

Listen, there's no easy, final answer on this one. I guess I'm just learning that I can't make someone love me, so in the meantime, why not be happy with myself?

I hope this helps, friend.

Love,

Red

PS--Unicorns can typically only be captured by virgins. Just sayin'.

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