Dear Red: I Don't Want to be a Doormat

Dear Red,

As a recently separated 29 year old, how do I hold back the ALL CONSUMING FEAR that I'll be alone forever and stop myself from bed-hopping to fill the void? Better yet, how the hell do I find things to do (other than morons)  at night? I'm pretty much solo in a foreign country and it is HARD. I am also yet to tell my family back home as I'm about to finish my doctorate and they would be more condemning and stress-inducing than supportive. My self esteem is about nil and I'm concerned I'll end up more of a desperate doormat than fierce & fabulous.

Sincerely,

Don't Want to be a Doormat

Dear Don't Want to be a Doormat,

Oh man...I know this place all too well. I've been there. (Well, except for the foreign country part.) And I gotta say, if you can remind yourself that you probably WON'T be alone forever, and if you can remember to be safe, do what you gotta do to feel better. 

Maybe that's horrible advice. It probably is. But let me tell you a little story.

After my divorce, I went, er, howyousay, a little crazy. A boozed a lot, hooked up a lot, went out a lot, spent a lot. I also cried a lot, laughed a lot, and was probably a lot of an idiot. But all those months of crazy taught me some very valuable lessons. After one too many dudes who'd never call, I figured out a better way to date. After one too many nights thinking I HAD to be drunk in order to have fun/not feel/etc., I realized that alcohol is a) damn expensive and b) not the best way to solve any problem.

I'm not saying that you have to do a bunch of stupid things in order to learn a lesson. What I am saying is that, in reality, this time is uncertain and painful, and it is going to take some time for you to heal and settle back into YOU.

Because right now, you're experiencing a death. I mean it. You're going through the death of a relationship and the death of an "us/we" identity. So, while you figure out your new normal, you'll probably do some not-so-wise things while you recalibrate. I think that's all part of the process...as long as--again--you're safe, and as long as you make some healthy decisions along the way to counterbalance everything else.

Here's where the actual good advice comes in:

1) Work out. No seriously, get to the gym, put on your running shoes, and take a 1/2 hour to an hour every day to sweat. Most doctors say this kind of activity (which releases feel-good endorphins) is even better for you than any sort of meds they might want to put you on.* For me, I craved that time to pound the pavement, and feel that anxiety and dread melt away. It'll also do wonders for your self-esteem to know you're doing something that can only make you better.

2) Call out. I know you mentioned that you're in a foreign country, but I do hope you have one or two people who don't mind keeping an eye on you. In fact, ASK them to keep an eye on you. It's always nice to have friends who can help you regulate yourself (whether with the drinking or crying or dating) when you're maybe not doing the best at it on your own.

3) Write it out. One of the BEST things I've done for myself during hard times is to write. I have a notebook I kept right after my divorce that is filled with dirty emotional soul puke (and no, you can't see it). It was a way for me to get out all those fears, those nagging doubts about myself, and to really evaluate what I was feeling on a daily basis. Of course, you don't have to write if that's not your thing. But what if you do something else creative? Paint? Scrapbook? I dunno...whittle? I think it's always good to allow your brain and heart to channel those emotions into something. It doesn't have to be pretty, and it never has to be on display, but getting it out there helps. (PS--You could even try to find classes to learn something new and creative...and you'll probably meet some cool people, to boot, solving that, "What to do besides morons" question :)).

4) Cut it out. Last but not least, try not to worry about the "being alone" question right now (I know, it's like trying to ignore a rogue car alarm). I think it's a good sign that you recognize that this panic is driving you to silence the alarm with bed hopping. And I think it's a really good sign that you don't want to be a desperate doormat. Recognizing that you're probably exhibiting behaviors that are closer to these extremes than "normal" (for lack of a better word) shows that you know you can be better. I think you can be, too...just know that for now, as you heal, things will be tenuous, and that's okay. Flux can often lead to very beautiful transformations.

Well, friend, I think you'll be okay. You're going to have a PhD, for cryin' out loud! You're a strong, successful woman rockin' it in a foreign country! Holy balls, that's so much cooler than pretty much anything I've ever done.

(Of course, if you need someone to continue to talk to while you're so far away, you know how to contact me.)

Love,

Red

*Reminder:  I am NOT a doctor, so if you feel at all like you're feeling anything beyond normal sadness, please see a doctor right away.

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