I am not a terribly trusting person.
I’m not entirely sure why that is. My friend Jessica might say that it’s because I expect so little out of people (so, in turn, they can expect nothing of me). Or perhaps it’s because the times I have expected a lot, or trusted someone, I’ve felt disappointed (such is life, right?). Or maybe it’s really because I try to see “whole people”...and some people are just ugly on the inside, and do ugly things, so I want nothing to do with that.
Either way, I think my lack of trust in others can be detrimental. It closes me off, when I know I should be more open (openness can allow for a better flow of life circumstances, I’m coming to believe. It's the “yes” of improv). It causes me to keep secrets in the name of “It’s personal.” I often hide feelings or thoughts in order to keep a sense of peace around me (though it’s often false peace, born of cowardice, and not of bravery. A person who never fights is of course "peaceful" regardless of the absence or presence of war.)
I guess all this to say, these Life Lessons I’ve been hinting about are born of my own desire for privacy, which is good, but also because of my lack of trust in people to hold my stuff safely. I’m still deciding whether my need for secrecy is because I am being “smart” about it (e.g. I’ve seen someone’s character, and decided not to play) or becasue I’m just further closing myself off. But the thing with closing myself off tends to cause me to shut down in other areas as well. Not necessarily healthy, and certainly, like saying “no” in improv, limiting to what life has to offer.
So, as an experiment in openness, I’d like to share some personal things with you this week. In doing so, I’m trusting you as my community, saying “yes” to what we’ve built here together, and hoping that sharing these things opens me to new, better and awesomer (<--totally a real word) things.