Cringe, etc.

Holy balls, we need to do this in Columbus. I will volunteer right now to be the first reader, since I was a hopeless, pathetic mess in high school.

I was actually thinking about my horrible teenage experience with dates this morning. Of course, my situation was a little different, since my father would sit down with potential beaus and give them this opener:

"I would like to walk my daughter down the aisle a virgin. How are you going to help me with that, young man?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate my father's protective spirit, but these two testicle-retracting lines assured that I was pretty much dateless from the age of thirteen to oh, about nineteen. At least, dateless with the guys I WANTED to date.

One of my cringe-inducing dates happened my senior year of high school, which--hands down--was one of the worst years of my life. My friend Scott told a sophomore boy that I was just DYING for him to ask me out to our spring formal. DYING. So, this little tiny kid, who was all of 5'2'', plucked up courage and called me one Saturday. I thought perhaps he was calling for my little brother, since they were in the same class. Oh, no...he wanted me.

Voice cracking, he asked, "So, you wanna go to the spring formal?"

And I paused. For a long time. "Uhhh..."

He must have sensed my discomfort, so he blurted out, "Scott told me to ask!"

To which I replied, "HAHAHAHA! Scott was JOKING!" which of course is a horrible thing to say, except I didn't stop. "He was just trying to pull your leg. He didn't mean it. So, yeah, like, don't ask me out."

And I could hear the disappointment and embarrassment, and--yes, I'm afraid--tears through the line. "Oh...ha ha...sorry."

A few weeks later, I was still totally miserable in my inverted chest, wiry-haired senior year, and it turns out that the guy I really wanted to ask me to the spring formal refused to. Completely refused. In fact, even though we were good friends, he decided he would rather stay home than go out with me. Another one of my lovely friends (who I now realize completely hated me) chastised me for being so mean to the little sophomore and told me I should re-ask him out. Which I did.

There is nothing quite like the following:

--Searching for formal shoes that have no heel. Or negative heel.

--Making sure your already outrageously curly hair doesn't end up too big, giving the illusion of added height.

--Picking up your date and HAVING HIS MOTHER TELL YOU TO HAVE HIM HOME AT ELEVEN. Which you do. You do not walk him to the door, however.

--Realizing your date has a boner during the "formal photo session." The one where the photographer puts the girl in front and makes the boy stand behind her holding lightly to her waist? Yeah. That one.

*Cringe*

Naked. Redhead. Man.

A big thanks to Chad for introducing me to sitemeter, a great program for tracking blog traffic. The free basic program is incredibly detailed, right down to revealing the search words used to find your blog...

So, good news! I am the first hit on the second page if you google the words "naked redhead man."

It's a proud, proud day at thenakedredhead. PROUD.

I mean, I knew when I chose this domain name I would be fooling late night porn seekers into visiting my not-so-pornographic site, but I had no idea that I would attract those looking for naked men. Not that I'm complaining! It's just that I get weird visuals in my head about what a naked redhead man looks like.

I'm guessing "pale."

Getting Grossly Cuter by the Minute

Don't you just want to rub her little kitten belly?? And just because this is about the only time I can get focused pictures of them...

Introducing…

Bella and Naz, our new babies (yes, it's gross, we know).

They are sister and brother Siamese-Lynx mixes (or "Slynx") and they are four months old today. It is kind of ridiculous how over the moon the bf and I are about these little shit-heads (and they are total, total shit-heads). We are proud parents...I puke over the cuteness of it all like six or seven times a day.

The dog is getting to be cool with them, but only because he has to...they have decided that they love him. He is all deep moans and irritated sighs when they all cuddle up, but they are slowly growing on him. He is pretty gentle, and he will routinely come into the room with a concerned Lassie-like "follow me" look. When I follow him back into the laundry area, sure enough, a kitten will be eating his food, so I will have to move said kitten and give him the go-ahead that yes, it's alright to eat there now.

And just so he doesn't feel left out:

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You!

My dreams have always been an interesting affair. I usually remember my dreams quite vividly, I've had recurring dreams since childhood and I used to be able to do the whole "waking dream" thing. Dreams are a source of comfort, release, fantasy and therapy for me.

A-hem. Last night I have this sex dream, right? Sexually themed dreams among humans are not uncommon and often do not represent the actual sex act. On the contrary, dreaming of sex can represent unfulfilled wants or desires, hidden emotion or even a longing for intimacy.

Um, so what the hell does it mean that I had a dream where I have a threesome with dooce and her husband???

The weird thing is, I was the dominant one in the dream, controlling everything, telling everyone what to do (okay, so not unlike real life...shut it) and they were all like, "okay! Neat!." I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET THESE PEOPLE. I just happen to read her blog, which is great and all, but I definitely don't want to bone it. Or her. Or him. I'm sure they are lovely people, but NO.

Their dog is pretty cute, though...

NO.